pickysaur

time travel!

2006-05-29T01:46:00.000+08:00

i moved my ass from here to here.

why?

because i feel like it's about time i got a change. because im sick and tired of this blog. too much painful memories. not a very nice stage of my life. i felt like a stranger in my own life, like im living a lie. leaving it all behind and moving on.

aida doesnt like dwelling in the past too much now, does she? no she doesnt.

so go update your blog and i'll see you there!

childhood memories

2006-05-26T17:12:00.000+08:00

sitting in front of the computer doing work on a hot sweltering day.. the ring-a-ding-a-ling coming from outside is like music to my ears.

time for some atapchee ice cream and fond rememberings!

numero uno

2006-05-12T23:15:00.000+08:00

and so im always at a loss as to what to blog about. not that nothing much has happened. just that words are never enough to describe them. or maybe i just cant find the right words. so do the math and figure out why im not posting much up. so since i wrote the word MATH in the previous sentence, shall we do this numerically? yes we shall.

infinity. the number of times you captivate me, and held my heart hostage once again.

one. the number of times i had to climb the hill to retreat the unfortunate fallen slipper.

two. the number of lugers who got fired in one day. willingly or otherwise.

two. the number of guests who flew off the bend. and a bonus here: consecutively.

three. the number of public holidays i worked within two weeks. do i hear rich? hoho. almost.

four. the number of subjects im taking this semester.

five. the number of toes i have.

i give up. i cant think of anything else beyond five. i admit. im never any good with numbers.

ok moving on from that futile attempt. i have this humongous cacoon looking sweet sitting beside me on my work desk. dragon beard or some shit. but its yummilicious. so its going into my mouth later and out through my anus tomorrow probably.

i know. i talk too much.

time to shower. its past my bedtime.

let it be me who showers you with unbound affection. let me be the one.

lullaby

2006-05-11T01:09:00.000+08:00

would you sing for me
like you used to when i fall?
would you sing me the lullaby
about the girl who had it all?
would you run your gentle hands
through my hair as you sing?
and lay upon my cheeks
the love and warmth your kisses bring?
would you tuck me in my blanket
when im finally fast asleep?
and turn off the lights
that shadowed the memories only i could keep?
can i hold your soft hand
that calmed me on troubled nights?
can i hug you and never let go
like you used to after each fight?
can you kiss me tenderly
like it used to heal the pain?
can you help me keep the memory within
to dry the cold unforgiving rain?

sleep beckons. farewell.

the weakest link

2006-05-02T22:27:00.000+08:00

kan kubina sebuah singgahsana
untukmu berlindung dari hujan basah
pabila malam ku termimpikan wajahmu
takkan jiwa ragaku berakhir nikmatnya

dengarlah kasih:
kan ku serahkan segala kepadamu..

scars

2006-04-28T23:40:00.000+08:00

i tear my heart open, i sew myself shut
my weakness is that i care too much
and my scars remind me that the past is real
i tear my heart open just to fail

dear scott

2006-04-19T13:26:00.000+08:00

cant wait for saturday!

hugs and misses,
me :)

hope

2006-04-17T23:59:00.000+08:00

your confusion grows
camouflaged behind
that tear-stained face
pulled to stretch
a precious, fragile

smile

your desperation grows
deep within that
empty bruised heart
lost in the search
for the warmth of his cold

touch

your misery grows
and it blinds you
till you dont recognise
your own laughter
your own

life

your wanting grows
as comfort slips
through your rough
scarred hands
where is

hope?

forbidden fruit

2006-04-16T01:48:00.000+08:00

my heart aches with love for you..

a puh-point of view..

2006-04-14T00:02:00.000+08:00

so mr irfan kasban wrote a post about PENTAS 2006, and how he thought it was fucking crap. nah, those were my words. but he didnt exactly sing the highest of praises for the production. yah ok, so? big fat hairy deal. it's his blog. right?

oh, but no. some people still must find something wrong with a point of view. come on lah people (and you know when i start using 'lah', im EXASPERATED). it's a bloody point of view. a PERSONAL OPINION. he IS entitled to one you know. why must you get so bloody unhappy about it? it's over. some people liked it. others like me thought that it could have been better. just because our views differ from yours does not mean its WRONG.

god, people. get over it.

and leave him alone lah, for once.

again. why cant people just understand that a blog is where you write your thoughts, your feelings, your views? if every controversial thought has someone who wants to confront me about it, then it bloody hell defeats the whole purpose of keeping a blog right? sure. it's within public scrutiny. and scrutinize all you want, you nosey parkers. but let's not get personal about it.

because most times, you're wrong about your assumptions in your interpretations of my words.

and it's people like these, who confronts every disagreeing point of view, that breed those who are so eager to please the masses. people who are so ready to say yes, even though they think otherwise.

close enough

2006-04-13T15:46:00.000+08:00

she sits beside him
hands barely touching
yet close enough to send the butterflies
fluttering away in her tummy

so near yet so far away

and this is as close as she will ever get
but she's contented

because she knows she can never have him

shuffle and play!

2006-04-11T22:14:00.000+08:00

Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING.

How does the world see me?
feeling good - micheal buble
(and i am! about most things at least. hoho! smile for the world now!)

Will I have a happy life?
roulette - system of a down
(isnt that like, a gamble? with a happy life?!)

What do my friends really think of me?
tequilla sunrise (live) - the eagles
(if i had tequilla at sunrise, i'd think im nuts.)

Do people secretly lust after me?
if you were my baby - rick price
(heh.)

How can I make myself happy?
here comes mary - the raveonettes
(oh. hook up with someone named mary. that's.. quite hard. i dont know anyone named mary.)

What should I do with my life?
living on a prayer - bon jovi
(oh the irony.)

Will I ever have children?
dont love you no more (im sorry) - craig david
(geez.. couldnt you give me a better song?!)

What is some good advice for me?
hardcore days and softcore nights - aqueduct
(hear hear.. heh.)

How will I be remembered?
living room - tegan & sara
(HEADLINE NEWS: woman shot dead and found naked in living room. blood stains all over.)

What is my signature dancing song?
que sera sera - pink martini
(i dont think you can even dance to that song..)

What do I think my current theme song is?
live it out - metric
(ohh nice. yeah. live it out and dont hold back.)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
my immortal - evanescence
(what the fuck?)

What song will play at my funeral?
bad day - daniel powter
(hohohoho! you better be having a bad day.. im dead.)

What type of men/women do I like?
[men] feel good inc. - the gorillaz
(...)

[women] bonanza (bellydancer) - akon
(wooohooo!)

What is my day going to be like?
the twist - metric
(uhm.)

held hostage

2006-04-10T01:00:00.000+08:00

tonight
like every other night

i miss you.

forbidden words
that never reach your ears
words i want to whisper so badly

left unsaid.

was that a glimmer of tear left hanging by the corner of your eye?
was that a smile you forced yourself to swallow?
was that the same words i thought i heard you whisper
or was that just the sound of the breeze teasing and tugging at my heart?

it aches.

two cents worth

2006-04-07T22:00:00.000+08:00

people put on masks of superficiality in front of the world. the fake smiles and the "oh, i LOVE that bag! it SO suits you! where did you get it?!". the polite laughters, the small talks. and the cream of the cake: the bitching that comes after. "did you SEE what's on her arm?! someone PLEASE call the fashion police. i thought only my GRANDMA uses that bag.." oh, not forgetting the rolling of the eyes. punctuates every bitchy statement, that eye roll.

i would know. im a bitch. but that's not the point.

to each his own, but most do it to please the world.

why?

does it make you happy?
does the world owe you a living that you need to make them smile?
why do people need to pretend? to censor, to filter, so that the end product is desirable?

and when will people start living their own dream, instead of someone else's?
en route to jc, just to please my dad. giving up my passion just to please my mom. taking a safer path, just to please my future.

a lot of us a afraid to leap. choosing instead to tread carefully on shards of broken dreams, unfulfilled because of their constant fear of the unknown.

happiness compromised because of responsibilities and obligations.

responsibilities are there for you to hold and let go.
dont be tied down because of someone else's weakness.
dont be tied down because you're afraid to fall.

after too many years in school, i finally learnt it the hard way: fuck the world. as long as it's honest. as long as it doesnt end you up on death row. and as long as you're happy.

dont stifle a child's growth just because it wont get them into university.
just like how you stifled mine.

*****

you accused me once of showing you off like a fashion accessory. that you're like a photo frame i display with pride to the world.

those words sting, not because it's the truth.
but because you didnt know me well enough to think im that kind of person.
even if i did parade you, it's because im proud that you are my man. because i would want no other other guy to be beside me.
NOT because im proud to have a boyfriend hanging off my arm. to show my attached status.
yes, there is a difference. if you havent already figured it out, START.

oh, look. im not single.
oh, come on. what's so bad about being single?!

top three reasons why you should be happy you're not attached.
1. you dont have to answer to anybody. dont have to call to inform where you are, who you're with, what time you'll be back.
2. you can do anything you want with no guilty conscience breathing down your neck (which spoils everything).
3. you can go out openly with anyone you want.

which all sums up to FREEDOM.

i mean, sure i'd love to find mr right and live happily ever after (idealism is not dead yet). but that doesnt mean i cant enjoy life while waiting for him to take his own bloody sweet time to find me. you only live once mate; enjoy it!

oh but the grass is always, always greener on the other side....

*****

gosh i sure have a lot to say tonight. what can i say? i hung out with mat sastera today. hoho...

oh happy day!

2006-04-07T13:36:00.000+08:00

you wanna know what happiness is?

happiness is getting free slurpee on a hot, bothersome working day.
happiness is getting wet with the gundu gang and seeing nada fall.
happiness is when you're broke and you reach into your pants and find four bucks.

simple pleasures in life that make my day.

cracks on your mask

2006-04-05T22:49:00.000+08:00

didnt i, didnt i, didnt i see you cryin'?
oh, didnt i, didnt i, didnt i see you cryin'?
feeling all alone without a friend you know you feel like dyin'
oh, didnt i, didnt i, didnt i see you cryin'?

-i want you to want me by letters to cleo

you think?

2006-04-04T00:05:00.000+08:00

ohhhh.

bisexual.

that's hot.

say cheese

2006-03-27T23:28:00.000+08:00

it's when you're down in the dumps (which is most of the time nowadays) that the little things make or break you.

little things like

memories.
places.
songs.

times when you feel

insignificant.
insecure.
alone.

and times when you feel like

laughing.
singing.
dancing.
crying.

but no matter how deep you're stuck in the rut, there's someone else worse off than you. so smile.

there you go. that wasnt so bad, now was it?

well, isnt life pretty?

can you?

2006-03-23T22:40:00.000+08:00

can you see what i feel for you when you look into my eyes?
or has it been clouded by the ghost of yesterday?

broken heart and uncried tears

2006-03-22T00:24:00.000+08:00

i never had much respect for people who run away from their problems.

yet escape is a necessity.

how now, brown cow?

sometimes i wonder why i put my heart in the line of fire, knowing for sure it's gonna be shot down. am i being stupid? or just being true to myself? does he deserve what i gave him? do i deserve what he's giving me now?

i risked it. now i have to face the consequences.

im confused. hurt. sober. disappointed.

a whirl of emotions. and relief comes only from the root of the problem.

how fucked up is that?

she's down on her knees
praying, praying
please give her back her heart.
she looks at him through a glass
she is not able to break.
he looks at her
indifferent,
pretending,
yesterday never came.
and she's down on her knees
hoping, hoping
he'll smile at her again.
she's not asking for his heart,
just an explanation
she knows will send her
down on her knees
picking up her broken heart.
at least she has it back.

looking forward to...

2006-03-21T01:05:00.000+08:00

zoobay is gonna teach me how to skate! i cant wait!

oh we're gonna have such a good laugh. at my expense.

sweet...

i give up...

2006-03-19T23:21:00.000+08:00

...but why does my heart hurt so?

bawb the hamster

2006-03-15T23:59:00.000+08:00

of all the bloody things in the world.

at half past eleven at night.

when im fucking tired from work.

bawb had to escape from his cage.

and run to where?

the store room.

the fucking dusty, dirty, cramped, dark corner of the store room.

and to add to that?

dearest mom had to nag. and nag. and nag.

good thing i love you to bits, you fat blob of a hamster, or else i would have left you rotting in that damn store room.

*cursing*

BUT. i didnt scream at bawb. or my mom. or the cage.

im proud of my patience. and my anger management. something good came out of working with idiotic customers. *beams*

shit happens

2006-03-08T01:53:00.000+08:00

shit.

that's what will happen if you trust people too easily.

pure shit.

god bless my innocence.

spring cleaning

2006-03-06T01:42:00.000+08:00

okay.

tomorrow is clean-up-my-room day.

ready? set. go!

things you didnt know about me

2006-03-04T20:39:00.000+08:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Noraida!

Noraida once lost a Dolly Parton lookalike contest.
Owls cannot move their eyes, because their eyeballs are shaped like Noraida!
Donald Duck's middle name is Noraida.
In Japan, Noraida can only be prepared by chefs specially trained and certified by the government.
If the annual Australian Noraida crop was laid end to end, it would stretch around the world seven times!
A cluster of bananas is called a hand and consists of 10 to 20 bananas, which are individually known as Noraida.
Noraida was originally green, and actually contained cocaine.
Bees visit over three million flowers to make a single kilogram of Noraida!
In Ancient Egypt, people wore glittery eyeshadow made from the crushed shells of Noraida!
Noraida has little need for water and is capable of going for months without drinking at all.

mommy dearest

2006-03-01T23:46:00.000+08:00

have i told you how much i love my mom?

yes, despite all the taking her for granted shits?

i love my mom so so so so so very much.. much more than words could ever describe.

she got out of bed just to make me a cup of warm honey water, just because i made a passing comment to her that i have a tummy ache. and mom's remedy always works.

i love you mom.

*big smiley face*

i'll give you the world
every single penny
and i'll reach from deep
within me and give you
my heart, i would
for you have showed me
the true meaning of love
and brought me
to a place where it's heaven
a place in your heart..

oh such cruel fate

2006-03-01T22:42:00.000+08:00

i guess a sense of relief engulfs me as i let go of burdens and expectations, albeit relectantly. you will learn to accept losses, and anticipate the uncertainty that lies ahead. yes, we all need somebody (to lean on, sang someone). but more often than not, says aida, we walk alone.

oh, never look forward to something because of a person. at the end of the day, you will find yourself trapped in disappointment. expectation is like a timed suicide bomb ticking away, waiting to explode. tick tock tick tock...

and so i thought today was a pretty good day, but something always, always has to dampen it. fucker.

and again we find that change is the only constant in life. and yes, changes are sometimes hard to accept, and even harder to accomodate to. but something, somewhere has to give way, or things will never get better. will it be me this time?

my heart is wrenching in pain, because i am forced to decide, and somewhere at the back of my mind, i know im not going to like the choice i have to make.

i have never sighed so much in one day before.

have you ever seen such sorrow in a nightingale's eyes
as she sings for the world to laugh?

quiz me

2006-02-23T23:25:00.000+08:00

Noraida --

[adjective]:

Visually addictive

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

hmm. im starting to like my name...

Noraida's lame-ass excuse to break up:

"I'm sorry I just sobered up"

'What is your lame-ass excuse to break up?' at QuizGalaxy.com

oh if only breakups were that simple. hoho.

i am a dreamer but when i wake, you cant break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

black black heart
why would you offer more?
why would you make it easier on me
to satisfy?
im on fire
im burning to the core
im eating all your kings and queens
all your sex and your diamonds...

if you're happy and you know it..

2006-02-21T10:11:00.000+08:00

happiness is only a temporary permanence. bitterness would find its way into the cracks of your happiness, and corrupt it with malice and insecurities. and somehow, we all feel more complete this way.

yes. love has taught me to be more cynical. we can only dwell in our realm of idealism for so long before kind reality gives us a tight slap in the face.

it would be foolish to think that this relief would last. indeed, it was.

i admit defeat. she won. congratulations.

give it up

2006-02-18T16:17:00.000+08:00

"give it up!", you scream.

yes. maybe i'll follow my brains this time round. because i realise my heart is still too weak to take yet another blow.

ive waited long enough, and endured enough heartaches. your loss, mister. your loss...

let him be the judge

2006-02-15T19:38:00.000+08:00

why should i be judged for earning an honest living? your asset may be your brains, your hands, your voice.. my asset is my body. i use my asset to survive, as you do yours. i do not steal what is not mine - richness, status or life. so do not scorn at me for morals that you think you have.

oh well. who can resist a passing thought.

two more weeks!

2006-02-13T15:23:00.000+08:00

one last post before my two weeks uphill run to complete my second year, how about?

so plenty has happened.

my heart has been held captive, locked under the spell of his smile, his touch, his embrace, his kiss.

and then there are politics. something i try so hard to stay out of, but never ever fail to reel me in.

and work has been keeping me sane with its insanities. im just ignoring their incessent nags to quit. fuck the world. do what you like. hoho. im 21 already lah people. give me a break. i want my freedom. FREEDOM TO THE WORLD. or to me at least.

and at the end of the day, i dont bring forward the hate, the anger, the negativity. i said what i had to say, and i leave it behind as i walk ahead. forgive me if you had to be in the line of fire, or if you were the object of my frustration.

haha... dont understand anything? good. you're not supposed to. these are my thoughts. this is my blog. remember this when you read: you are just a guest in my realm. my word is king. your words are nothing. do not provoke my thoughts. here, my thoughts are sacred. remember that. because i just quit my membership with the censorship board.

oh oh oh! and thank you so very very much for the birthday wishes and gifts! *big huge stupid grin on my face* turrah lurrah!

fragile

2006-02-10T00:24:00.000+08:00

you will never understand how fragile my heart is until you feel it crumble at the touch of love...

lost for words

2006-02-06T00:02:00.000+08:00

their eyes met, and a smile crept onto their faces. so innocent, the way they conversed their feelings - accidental brushes of the hand, handshakes that never seem to let go, waving to each other incessently, conversations interrupted with a giggle - as if words were unable to express the sheer joy of each other's company.. as if this is the first time they ever felt this way.

but how? how can one express this blissful feeling in words, when the sight before you simply takes your breath away?

at a moment like this

2006-02-02T23:14:00.000+08:00

have you ever sat beside someone, and your heart does flippity-flops just because that someone is so close to you?
and the night is oh-so-beautiful just because that person smiled his adorable smile at you?
and you dont ever want the moment to end because it's the most perfectly beautiful moment?
oh, and the butterflies swarming around in your tummy?

it has been a while since i felt like that.
until tonight.

7th heaven as a temporary high.

shouldnt have..

2006-01-31T14:19:00.000+08:00

"and then i go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like i love you.."

falling star

2006-01-27T12:31:00.000+08:00

sometimes, people are too busy admiring the brightest star in their eyes that they dont notice the one that is shining just for them..

and their passing glance is a hope to this small star that it might just get noticed, but their glance never linger..

two more weeks to my birthday.. *groan*

leaving on a jet plane

2006-01-23T22:58:00.000+08:00

a different kind of sadness washes over me tonight.
because tomorrow he will leave,
and she will feel
empty.

i wish you didnt have to leave so soon.
but it was fun while it lasted.
thanks for the late nights and timeless memories.
looking forward to your returning, and everything is gonna be just like yesterday.

my heart aches. funny, ive never felt like this before.

farewell for now, my dear friend.

two guys, a girl and a sheesha joint

2006-01-16T12:23:00.000+08:00

and so eddie is back (for now) and rizal was out of camp for the weekend.

we met and laughed and sheesha-ed and played the alphabet game and watched footie and laughed some more.

all in all, things are the same as it used to be back in secondary school, despite growing older and wiser.

and you know things will remain the same because, well, we're best friends and nothing in the world is gonna change that.

i heart you guys. :)

one more crazy night out before eddie leaves and rizal goes into camp and you better make sure there's no curfew, you malaysian bugger.

a toast, to three idiots, who are none the wiser about the world and their lives. may exams be cleared and army a breeze.

cheers!

anonymous

2006-01-13T00:16:00.000+08:00

a friend of mine has had her blog spammed.

while it was interesting to read what people had to say about her and her fiance, it was still disgusting to know that people hide behind facades and anonimity just to lash out at other people.

says alot about your own character doesnt it?

im not here to defend her. ive already told her straight in her face: she asked for it the moment she replied.

maybe she really is an evil witch underneath that exterior. maybe you've come across a part of her that caused you to hate her to such an extent. i dont know, and honestly, i dont really care.

but how you find strength in numbers and gang up against her, that's just plain cowardice to me. funny how everyone has smth to say after the first person said smth.

if you have smth to say about someone, and especially if it's to insult the person, say it straight in the person's face and dont hide behind a false name.

got it? good.

now go mind your own bloody business and leave my friend alone. (i have to say something at least....)

goodbye my bangkok friend

2006-01-11T21:32:00.000+08:00

its time to say goodbye to lumpuh.

one leg broken.
and then two.
now intestines are spilling out from his guts.

you have been a great companion for my 7610.
he will miss you dearly.

adieu.

happy 2006!

2006-01-03T22:12:00.000+08:00

happy new year!

2005 wasnt exactly the best year ive had, but i wouldnt trade it for anything in the world. i have hit quite a number of lows but i sure as hell got a whole lot stronger too. at the end of the day, the good outweighs the bad, the experiences and lessons learnt outweigh the pain. i think my heart have pretty much mended itself, just need to fill in the cracks a little. the first time i felt so much older than i am. the first time my strength and faith was tested. found wonderful friends, lost old ones too. and i realised that friends are the best assets anyone could ever have in their life.

yup. that pretty much sums it up.

this year im looking forward to continue picking up my life :) turning 21 (gasp!). holiday!!! third year in poly (finally...). love.

more optimism. more craziness. more fun. more surprises.

what a great year this will be!

happy thoughts!

2005-12-27T17:24:00.000+08:00

i was gonna blog about smth.

but

i just cant find the words.

consumed with emotions and neverending thoughts.

think happy thoughts!

ice cream!
work!
sleep!
cookies!
him!

i can feel myself getting happier already.

-

2005-12-24T00:46:00.000+08:00

when you have so much to say, but no words to express it.
when you feel alone and abandoned, and you long for a hug.
when life seems too complicated to carry on living.
when your heart feels heavy, and your back burdened with lead.
when you wish and hope, but all in vain.

that's when you know

despair is singing in your ears
to follow her into her realm.

and you pray
that miracles do happen
as you carry on smiling for the world to see.

and...

2005-12-20T15:27:00.000+08:00

it's over!!!

*****

she feels
left out
alone
insecure

as she watches
her smile
his laugh
their bond

could it be
fate
prophecy
life?

two
is company
three's
a crowd

but with her without

nobody notices
any number fits.

*****

boo! no more miserable poems! but i always write sad depressing poems. it's the essence of poetry, or literature for that matter. there i go again, trying to sound intellectual but not making any sense at all. i amuse myself sometimes. and at the end of the day, that's all you need in life: self entertainment.

trying to figure out my life... and doing a futile job at that.

at least im passing my tests and exams. and that's all that matters isnt it? as long as you're happy.

you know what i need? no?

neither do i.

stop in the name of love

2005-12-17T20:43:00.000+08:00

(disclaimer: this post is not directed to the ppl i love. like fizah. so yeah.)

oh love is so overrated.

proclaiming to the whole bloody world how in love you are.

okay once or twice is fine. i'll smile with you and go aww, that's so sweet. three or four times, i'll grit my teeth and say yes, i know. but more than that and you're asking for suicide.

i get it. we get it. the whole world gets it. you can stop now, thank you very much.

spare the world and get a room.

please.

moving on...

went to a gig on thurs at prince of wales. that place kinda reminds me of kao san. i miss bangkok. but i digress. hosni's the drummer. and he's one helluva drummer lah.

gigs (and clubbing. and soccer matches. and parties.) are so fun to go to with the right company.

ive yet to find them. boo.

all i want for christmas

2005-12-16T23:02:00.000+08:00

i want a laptop.
i want a d-600.
i want a bike license (and a classic vespa to go with it).
i want a mini cooper.
i want a wallet (with lotsa money inside).
i want a pair of blades.
i want a cute hunky piece of meat.

this girl's got expensive taste.

when am i gonna be a billionaire?!

a wise man said...

2005-12-14T23:21:00.000+08:00

"one night in bangkok makes a humble man hard."

*****

im living on borrowed time.

post-it super sticky!

2005-12-13T23:03:00.000+08:00

and no one, not a single damned person, told me.

until...

me: hey new bag. nice..

him: yeah. someone got it for my birthday.

me: (panicking) your birthday?! it's over?!

him: (laughing but cursing me inside) yup. on sunday.

me: (apologetic pathetic look on face) im so sorry! i totally forgot! nobody told me!

him: (still laughing but mocking my lame excuse inside) no la.. it's okay!

known as mat sastera to many, but will always be mat kental to me:

mr irfan LAME kasban

a happy belated birthday to you!

you're 18 now. you can apply for your bike license. you can drink and smoke legally. you can have sex. you can enter clubs. you are one year closer to death.

act your age. (padahal... padahal... heh.)

aku sayaaaaaaaang kau :)

may Allah bless you with a long life ahead, filled with people you love and much happiness. of course, not to mention plenty of money and a good career. haha... amin.

*****

dont you wonder sometimes why people stick by you when they dont have a reason to?

they can leave.
they have a valid reason to leave.
but they dont.

then you start wondering if they're for real.

and then you think to yourself, damn. you used to trust people so easily before that.

scars can change a person.

*****

im running on reserve battery.

remaining power: 67%

*****

a: aku king!

b: king ape?!

a: KING KONG!

(laughs) haiii... ramlee, ramlee.. lu rock ah brader!

*****

post-its are like one of the best inventions evahhh!

*****

in a room full of people,
she sees only him,
and he sees only her.

i got the whole world

2005-12-09T20:26:00.000+08:00

i feel like im carrying the weight of the whole world on my back.

someone please

2005-12-05T22:43:00.000+08:00

i feel so detached from everything that's happening around me.

im starting to think. im starting to doubt.

is this what i really want?

what is it that i want?

i need someone so badly right now. and it hits you hard when you start asking yourself, who?

im not strong enough for so many. i hope you understand.

sometimes we all need to be quiet.

someone help me press the pause button please? i cant reach it.

fuck off

2005-11-28T23:25:00.000+08:00

if you want me to fucking stop work, can.
just increase my allowance to fucking $100 a week.
and pay my fucking bills for me without complaining about the amount.
cheebai if i work i earn even more than that la fuck.
im fucking twenty years old. im turning 21 very soon.
and i have a fucking mind to think for myself.
so just let me do what i fucking want and for once, stop taking away what makes me happy.
and fuck off.

and no. im not gonna stop work. ive already given up drama for you. im not giving up anything anymore.
there you go.

wonderful saturday

2005-11-26T23:59:00.000+08:00

it started with a trip down to sentosa to ride the luge.

they enjoyed the chairlift rides very much.

and then we headed down to coffee bean to enjoy the panoramic view while having a cup of pure chocolate. pure heaven.

and then we decided to head down to the beach...

...to enjoy the sunset.

we had an indian dinner...

...followed by indian kulfi for dessert.

what a wonderful way to end a wonderful saturday spent with wonderful friends. love you guys to itsy bitsy (teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini) bits! :D

happy happy birthday papa! you're growing older and fatter! whee!

never thought it would turn out this way.
if only this happiness is a permanance...
maybe my heart needs a little bit more faith.

dont walk out on me

2005-11-25T00:55:00.000+08:00

i thought we could still make it together.

now im not so sure.

it's at times like this when the harsh reality slaps you hard in the face and you learn again the hard way that you cant depend on anything or anyone but yourself.

sometimes, even passion is not enough to make someone stay.

and if that is not enough, i dont know what else is.

will You dance with me, sir?

of belated thanks

2005-11-20T02:27:00.000+08:00

i wonder how long will the smell of guilt linger around me.

i am truly blessed. for a number of reasons.

for being able to wake up each morning with a smile on my face and looking forward to what today brings me.

for having a comfortable life and a family and a roof over my head and food on my table.

for having the strength to move on with my life and leave the past behind, and be proud to say he aint worth my love and time, and that im glad im out of that rut.

for being able to stand on my own two feet and not depend on anyone anymore.

for being able to hold my head up high and still look good without having anyone hanging on my arm like a fashion accessory.

for being able to count how many friends i have that i can depend on when im in need, and make my life worth living.

nadia and farhan: you guys were the ones who helped me thru my rough patch and i will eternally be grateful for that. much thanks and love.

dee, fan, yan: everytime we lepak, is the best moments i ever had. and for that i thank you.

eddie, rizal, parv: best friends will always be best friends, thank god for that. missing you guys. hugs and kisses.

aishah, raudha, izati: what's left from drama in jc. literally. :) we all need some drama in life baby.

and speaking of drama.

amin: you introduced to me the love of my life. and i will always respect you and look up to you when it comes to that. love you.

gundu gang: you guys keep me sane with your insanities, you know that?

lastly,

nasrul: maybe it's true what they say. you dont get to keep what's perfect for you. you're far from perfect. but what we had was close. so we have moved on and gone our seperate ways. maybe our past will be buried along with time. maybe it will come back to haunt us. but i will always cherish the memories and your kisses will always linger on my lips.

sleep beckons. farewell.

dear kammi kammi

2005-11-19T02:17:00.000+08:00

dear kammi.

please dont hate me for telling your parents.

i was put in a spot, and i had no choice.

i will never hate you for getting drunk and puking everywhere. please believe me.

because you're my friend. and friends always help one another. in good faith. no complaints.

but i didnt.

im sorry i disappointed you.

i hate myself for not being able to get you in a better situation. i felt responsible for you.

but i will still be here for you whenever you need me, sober or not.

xoxo,
me.

weird me

2005-11-16T00:20:00.000+08:00

"Post 5 weird and random facts about yourself, then at the end, list the names of 5 people who are next in line to do this."

fine fine.

one. when i stone while eating, my mouth will gradually come to a stop and i will continue stoning with my mouth half open filled with half chewed food until someone snaps me out of it.

two. i look at women's butt. and legs. and boobs. and face. in that order. and i comment. but im straight, believe it or not.

three. i love eating chicken butt. yummy.

four. i enjoy doing things alone. like watching a movie. or eating at a hawker centre. or window shopping. i dont know why people hate it so much.

five. im slightly dyslexic. which means i take a while to figure out my left and right. and i mis-read/spell words alot.

there you go.

next five in line?

dee. fan. yan. nadia. you.

rebel without a cause

2005-11-15T00:20:00.000+08:00

are people really that dumb?

so anyways.

i decided to humour myself today. in a sick sadistic way, but humour myself nonetheless.

i decided to play press the button and see how far you can go.

i was pushing every button i could press and testing my limits.

the more people got upset, the more i pushed it.

the more people who got upset, the more satisfied i felt.

it has been a long time since ive indulged in such a whim.

the human side of me felt horrible for hurting people along the way, but the monster stopped me short. it had to get out. it's about time.

and at the end of the day, i dont really care.

yet.

at the end of the day i felt lucky that i have friends who know me well enough not to take it to heart. friends who understand that the bitch in me had to get out and bite once in a while, and just shrug and say "yes you could have stopped, but aida being aida, would you?" for understanding that im just a rebel without a cause.

lurp lots. you dont know how much that means to me.

random things

2005-11-14T00:04:00.000+08:00

e.rect
adj
1. being in a vertical, upright position
2. being in a stiff, rigid physiological condition

like an erect penis.

got it diyanah?

and just once, you're so cute. just because it's your day. happy 18th birthday you silly girl.

irfan cleaned up my table and now i cant find stuff anymore. irked. not at you fan. at me.

"Post 5 weird and random facts about yourself, then at the end, list the names of 5 people who are next in line to do this."

i swear i cant think of any fizah. my bad.

you lost her

2005-11-12T01:12:00.000+08:00

i feel sad for your loss.

drugs sex booze

2005-11-11T12:24:00.000+08:00

i have a hot lesbian partner i have yet to kiss.
i have a big yellow bag filled with bombs strapped onto my back.
i have a tumour growing in my head.
i have a genital wart growing on my vagina.
i have a billion dollars and i spend it on guns.
i have a pack of cocaine going thru my system.
i have a cigarette burning in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other.

and im going to die a martyr.

the stuff fairy tales are made of.

double, double, toil and trouble

2005-11-10T20:58:00.000+08:00

i just gulped down my pills with 7-Up clear raspberry.

and this morning with horlicks.

and yesterday morning with milk.

trouble is brewing in my tummy, methinks.

*****

someone please remind me to delete the necessary pictures from my folder.

and change my password.

and cut my nails.

bus rides and diplomacy

2005-11-07T21:39:00.000+08:00

so i was sitting at the bus stop waiting for the bus while listening to my ipod.

and then i saw this upper sec school guy walking beside his mom, carrying groceries.

he reminded me so much of a person i used to love with all my heart and soul.

the whole time i was at the bus stop, and in (on?) the bus too, i couldnt keep my eyes off him. (it doesnt help that he smiled back at me)

and then i remembered why i fell in love with him.

and then i felt sad because you dont always get the chance to be with the person you love.

funny little thing called love.

*****

sometimes you dont choose to be given the responsibilities that you have.

and you realise that, whether or not you choose them, that fact will deminish when people start expecting you to live up to your responsibilities.

to these people, they just want you to deliver. like DHL.

and you try. but it's never good enough.

but what's important is, you keep trying. not for these ungrateful people. but for yourself. because you're a leader.

and leaders dont give up.

and with these responsibilities you grow. as a person. as a leader.

you learn to be more tactful with your words and actions.
you learn to be more diplomatic.
you learn to befriend your enemies.
you learn to be more mature.

and usually, you learn these the hard way.

but you keep learning.

*****

people say that a blog is a personal private space where they can voice your opinions liberally.

well.

there is no such thing as a free country my friend.

words and thoughts will undeniably be scrutinized upon. people will get hurt.

and somehow or another, it's always your fault.

always.

some people, like me, will just tell you to fuck off.

others, unfortunately, cant get away with just saying, hey look it's my fucking blog.

why?

because they carry with them this burden called responsibilities.
because there is this thing called politics.
because there are overly sensitive people out there.
because they are unlucky enough to be a leader.

well.

apologies will do well here.

but while i can, im gonna say...

it's my blog. fuck off.

of fairy tale endings

2005-11-06T00:18:00.000+08:00

okay. so you're in love and you have pictures of the two of you all chummy and lovey and whatever.

and the nick. bloody hell.

please. spare the world and keep it to yourself thankyouverymuch.

*roll eyes*

*squirms in my chair*

im not referring to nadia or aishah by the by. go figure.

ohohoh!

congratulations to a very wonderfully good friend of mine for jumping into the bandwagon and tying the knot soon! may God bless the two of you with a wonderfully happy blissful marriage forever and ever more! amin.

see. there are happy endings in this world.

well well. life has been pretty eventful. from work to magus luna to friends to getting caught in the park.

so...

let us vandalise the police car.

i wanna kiss a woman. oh wait. ive done that already. ok. i wanna kiss a hot babe then.

withdrawal symptoms

2005-10-25T14:53:00.000+08:00

im starting to miss the banana pancake, the fired rice and the mango rice.

:(

can we go for another holiday soon?

back

2005-10-19T14:13:00.000+08:00

and so we're back.

after a traumatising stay at the airport. trust me, sleeping on plastic chairs in the freezing cold is not fun at all.

but it was an experience i would never trade anything for. yes, even the being-stranded-at-the-airport-with-no-money part.

well at least now reck knows how to differentiate 20 sing dollars from 20 baht. (you idiot)

trip was eventful.
kao san was colourful.
fired rice was delish.
shopping was a handful.
dreadlocks were painful. (and so was running out of money)
delay was a mouthful. (of swear words)
flight was full of lightning.
friends are wonderful.

thanks for picking us up guys. you guys really made our day. lurps lots.

so back to the mundane routine called life. bleurgh.

money cant buy me love. or so the beatles sang.
but it sure can buy me food! :D

ok the point is.

...i had to spoil it all by saying something stupid like i love you.

no. that's not the point either.

see. life can get pretty pointless at times.

now eff off.

away from it all

2005-10-16T18:18:00.000+08:00

weaving in and out of traffic (without getting into an accident) takes a whole lot of skill and the drivers here are damn skillful. lah.

been feeding on fried rice and more fried rice. why cant i find fried rice this good back home? hmm maybe cuz half the time we're famished here. haha..

and as cliche as it sounds, oh we so value money more here. hurhur.

addictive tuktuk rides. cold rain. small rooms. thin wallets. denied shopping. cranky travel partners. not morning people.

that sums it up.

thinking about love and whether i really need it at this point of my life.

no. i dont think so.

i wanna travel my whole life.

belaian cintaku

2005-10-07T21:40:00.000+08:00

tiada lafaz yang lebih agung
kalimah cinta mu
yang ku tunggu-tunggu...

alahai...

silly me

2005-10-05T22:23:00.000+08:00

i only realised just now

after all this while

that i never did link irfan on my blog!

oops. jangan marah ye.. bulan puasa.. hehe..

will someone...

2005-10-04T23:09:00.000+08:00

sing me a love song?

bukan milik ku..

2005-10-03T23:33:00.000+08:00

this was waiting for me when i got back. :D so cute. thanks santa!

malam sepi menyelimuti hati ku
dalam hati terpendam rindu
sekuntum mawar merah menjadi lafasan cinta ku
oh sang bulan...
relakah kau menunjukkan jalannya ke hati ku?
tapi... seribu kali tapi...
si bidadari tidak akan menjadi milik seorang insan seperti ku

c'est la vie

2005-10-02T16:29:00.000+08:00

live for today.
forget about yesterday.
and let tomorrow's worries be dealt with tomorrow.

amacam?

thank you

2005-09-30T23:14:00.000+08:00

best friends will always be best friends. thank god for that. no matter how long it was since you last saw them. or how many times you dented their car. or how many guys came between you.

the laughters and the time spent together will always be timeless.

*****

to all who have stood by me through my rough patch, i will be eternally indebted to you.

farhan. nadia. dee. izzie. amin. rizal. eddie. parv. the gundu gang. aishah. ivan. liza.

thank you for believing in me when i have lost faith in myself.
thank you for being my strength when i have none left.
thank you for making me smile when tears overwhelmed me.

you guys are my hero. :)

*kleenex moment*

*****

so bawb is male. and those are his balls. we learn something new everyday.

and too much sheesha is not good for your tummy.

it's so perfect for a flying honeymoon, they say
come fly with me, let's fly let's fly away!

if you were my baby

2005-09-29T23:10:00.000+08:00

we'd go walking late at night
count the stars up in the sky
just you and me
if you were my baby

stop to kiss under a tree
listen to the sound
of the whispering breeze
if you were my baby

-if you were my baby rick price

wheeeeee oooooooooooo! :D

to reck

2005-09-29T19:19:00.000+08:00

weird habits?!

lemmesee lemmesee lemmesee..

a. i dont clean my table. or my bed. or my room. i mean, what's the point when ure just gonna mess it up again, right? right. and i find things better this way. i feel more at ease. having my room too clean irks me. organised chaos, people.. organised chaos.

b. i wont buy a book that's not in perfect condition. and i MEAN perfect. no scratches, folds, dents, whatever. even though after im done with it, it's gonna be more horrible than it was. none of that or im having none of you.

c. i look at women? bonus if she has a nice face. double bonus if she has nice legs. triple bonus if she has nice ass. ohhhh shake that thang baby!

d. i dont wash my jeans. unless i soiled it, of course. what? you mean you do? whatever for?!

(muji claims that my burping loudly is a weird habit. i dont think so. what's wrong with openly showing your appreciation for the good food you just had? waddya mean women just dont do that kind of thing?!)

e. unintelligent comments/people turns me off BIG TIME. if you cant say anything intelligent, shut up. ahh.. see? isnt the world a much more beautiful place to be in? and you can have a doctorate and still say unintelligent things..

f. i cant spell complicated words. i still remember how i didnt know how to spell stomach back in primary school and everybody laughed at me. evil people.

see. im not as weird as YOU are.

screwed up me

2005-09-28T23:14:00.000+08:00

ohh my.

izyan help!

maybe i should stop meddling with stupid html and leave it to the expert instead.

again,

izyan HELP!

so in the meantime, dont mind my blog. go look at some other pretty blogs.

go, shoo.